i'm screaming: I love you!

Hey look, more bullets?  Does that still shock you?  You're slowww.

• I have now seen Cobra Starship live TWICE.
• I've now seen Forever the Sickest Kids live THREE TIMES.
• I have now seen both Sing It Loud and Hit the Lights live.
• Yes, that all means that I went to the Sassyback Tour.
• I went in Cincinnati.
• I met several members of some of the above bands.
• I GOT PICTURES!!!
• I started and finished a whole other NaNoWriMo novel since last I blogged here.
• So that was pretty insane.
• My fully complete 2nd novel is titled, "The Life and Times of H. Chiller"
• I'm considering doing ScriptFrenzy this year, even if I probably won't win.
• My next concert will either be Taste of Chaos 09 or the AP Tour 2009, which will be my second time going to either of those tours.
• I'm dead set on getting a new 4th generation iPod Nano this month.
• I will.
• This holiday season, I'll also be one of 500 lucky fucks to get HeyChris's new book.
• I'm continuing back-forth letters with Mallory.
• I thought I was going to get asked out today, and I still may this week.
• Apparently the guy's "insanely shyyyy", so says my friend.
• My lunch table is dramatic enough to give me a heartattack.
• If I don't get one from you know, not eating lunch first, haha.
• Winter is a hard time to blog, or live really, my fingers are cold.
• My parents keep talking about moving and obsessively looking at houses in a very particular part of Florida.
• I'm doing a report in English about being an A&R, and it's all BULLSHIT.
• As in, I made it all up since I couldn't get research sources.
• Twilight is on hold for me in the library, for the last three weeks.
• I may beg someone to get me it for Christmas.
• Oh yeah, the aforementioned HeyChris book?
• It bankrupted my "Folie A Deux" cash stock.
• You know I have to have that shit the dayyy it's out.
• I'm completely virginal to all songs besides "I Don't Care"
• Blogging in bullets is fun shit, yo.
• I'm reading a pretty cool book called "Nightmare Academy" right now.
• Ohohoh, and we have 7 puppies right now!
• Their names are Suareasy, Ryland, Ripley, GeeGee, Perry, Laurenlee, and Haley.
• They are all adorable, but Rip's my favorite, because he has a weirdshaped mouth that's so adorable.
• My newest HERO is Kate Voegele.
• I'm listening to The Academy Is... right now.
• In 2009, I really want to see PATD live, finally, or I fail, officially.
• It's almost 2009.
• Shit.
• I'll have to update here with resolutions.
• Because resolutions work so much better with bullets.
• Duh.

Love, lyzzz.

the best of us can find happiness in misery.

I just bullet points is the only way I can update this blog anymore.

• I hate myself for not being more enthusiastic about Sassyback Tour.
• I saw Sean Clark today.  I hate myself for still having feelings&shit for that kid.
• My birthday sucked, in general.
• I have GCH's "The Quilt", but most of my presents are still in the mail.
• The Denny's trip got cancelled.
• School still generally sucks.
• Still undecided on homecoming.  Lost my chance on the dress I was planning to buy.
• Franci and I have hardly spoken in over a week, just like, once and a half convos.  I hate that.
• I've cut twice in the past week.
• I need to get around to finishing some fanfiction now.
• I have to finish it NOW, because NaNoWriMo starts in SIX DAYS!?
• My NaNo plot's going to be fine.
• This was a pretty negative entry.
• I'm in a pretty negative mood.

Wow, bullet points.

and now no one can touch us.

Updates:

• Sing It Loud is my "new favorite band".
• As of now, Sassyback Tour, November 22 is a go.
• My dad fell off a roof, but he's going to be fine now.
• My birthday is in about 18 days.
• The Saturday after my birthday, I'm going to Denny's with my friend Chelsea, then she's staying the night.
• School fucking sucks, but it's going quick so I'll deal, until next semester, which should be better.
• I may go to homecoming, and buy a dress, I don't know, I'm undecided.
• New friend = Courtney.
• Right now Franci's at a date on Bill and Trav's Bogus Journey Tour.
• Currently, I'm writing the ending chapter, chapter twelve to an FTSK fanfic I've been writing and posting on LJ.  I'm amazing.
• NaNoWriMo's coming up quick, my summer procrastination's about to kick me in the ass.
• I really missed this blog.

the last of the great adventure kids.

Sometime before the end of the year, I'll almost certain that I'll go to the Sassyback Tour.
There are like, three possible dates, but like, I don't want to be too much of a strain on the family, so maybe not, but I could, and I might.
Even though I've already seen Cobra Starship once, FTSK twice. But like, I'd love to see Hit the Lights, and I could get into Sing It Loud.

Bought school clothes yesterday.
Four days. I'm only a little intimidated.

hey haterkids! [someday i'll appreciate the sunlight.]

New and improved(?/!) me, one concert older. God, I just never stop. You'd think I've been doing this for years now, the way I go at it. Really, it's like, a year and almost a half. For a whole week post-Warped, I held three disgustingly beautiful huge bruises down the side of my right arm. I poked them a lot, just to let them know I cared. I know how I got them too, elbowing the bikini-topped bimbos trying to get to Derek [Mayday Parade] when he dove from the stage. Eh, whatever, all in all, it was an amazing day.

Rereading "Fight Club", picking up things I missed the first time. And yeah, I'll admit it, I giggle through all the slashy Narrator/Tyler moments. Because come on, he fell in love with himself, it's sweet and twisted and homosexual, LOVE. Having amazing alonetime moments. Trying to build up some loner-resolves. I need to be more of a badass.

Other things, not so awesome, totally. For the first time in months over a year, I feel ALONE. I feel like I could die and no one would care enough. I just want to be like everyone else. I want to be able to just introduce myself to people, and start conversations and relax and open up and just live like everyone else. But I feel alone. I have no one to turn to anymore. I feel completely unwanted. Fuck.

ps.st: i have the insane urge to find songs in me to write.

Damnit, I'm addicted.

		I will marry Chad Sugg.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Murfreesboro in our fabulous Mansion.
		We will have 1 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a invisible public transpo.
		I will spend my days as a Songwriter, and live happily ever after.

Haha, this thing is kinda amusing.

		I will marry Ryan Ross.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Omaha in our fabulous House.
		We will have 0 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a black Aston Martin.
		I will spend my days as a Merchguy, and live happily ever after.

explain to me this conspircy against me.

Why do people always tell me when they're suicidal?
I kind of wish they'd stop. Just die already, and I'll save my crying for the funeral.
I mean, not really. But it's pretty stressful and crazy and insane to deal with, when you know, you're not entirely stable youself.

Got my first free issue of AP. Dude, I'm going to go to the tour every year, just to keep getting this, and because they have a knack for awesome lineups. So far, so good.
Oh yeah, and they published my poll response and picture in this issue, so it's pretty fuckin' wicked.
Other than that, there's a good Gerard interview and the first article I've ever read on We The Kings. I get to see them on Warped in like, less than fourty days. That's insane.

I'm officially about ten chapters into reading "Invisible Monsters", and it's killer.

Kathy Griffin's reality show, My Life On The D-List is fucking back, and as always, hilarious enough to make me choke on my Diet Coke and cake. Now I'm watching Bravo's first A-List Awards, that Kathy's hosting, and it's also making me choke. It's all tre fabulous.

by the way, i TRIED to say I'd be there.

I think it's pretty wicked that my uncle's staying here for the weekend. He's hanging out on the couch with all the dogs right now. The dogs like the extra attention.
And he befriended the most adorable stray kitten that he was going to keep before he learned that he couldn't keep it. He named it Jet, and I hope it sticks around until my dad gets home. It's pretty much adorable, for a vile allergy-inducing creature.

Today is the official second day of my summer.
I started "Invisible Monsters" yesterday, and finished the first two chapters. Also, I went and got SnackShopicecream, which is better than I remembered it to be.
Five hours remaining before I'm caught up on "This Deliberate Life". That's one and 2/3 episodes. Kyle from Fireworks gave the best interview yet, pretty much.
I'm laying as low from people as I can. I broke what I was going for today, but I'll just avoid everyone tomorrow.

tell me how we got this way.

There's some conflict going on that's eating me alive.
And I don't mean that as a pun, because I haven't really eaten all day and this is the longest I've gone in awhile feeling hungry, I'm not in any kind of mood to eat.
I woke up at nine, getting less sleep than most on the weekends, since I didn't lay down for sleep until two a.m. And I took a slight nap at two-thirty p.m.
My emotionally exhausted state has exhausted me physically.
There's a cut in my ankle that is deeper than any cut I've made since last summer. Is it me or is the weather?
Am I done or do I fight?
From this point on, it's not my fault.
But it's not hers either.

guess what? i'm done writing you songs.

Yeah, no, I'm really still listening to "Everything In Transit" almost everyday. Yes, I'm listening to it now. Yes, I'm so fucking stoked that I'll be seeing Jack's Mannequin in Detroit on Warped in a little less than two months. God, how fucking insane is that? I made a list of the "must-see" bands, with slightly less important bands on a second list in case of inevitable weird scheduling.

Got The Matches stickers in the mail from the Epitaph street team the other day. One's owning the side of my dresser, the rest are waiting, because once I get more stickers and posters, I have plans.

Wore my Pig Cloth "Pig On Tour" shirt for the first time today. Still wearing it. It's printed on American Apparel, so it's like, super-comfortable. I'm in love with the neckline too, it's pretty perfect. I love it. I want to shower tonite and then wear my TWLOHA Paramore title shirt to school tomorrow for the first time, maybe?

there's a piece of me in every single second of every single day.

Still musiccrushing on Jack's Mannequin, big time. And I'm getting into Metro Station, last names aside. And even though it's so uncool, I might start digging on Angels & Airwaves. Hey haterkids, fuck you, okay?

Six and a half days of hell left until I'm confined to the prison that is my home. High points for this summer are nothing, and Warped Tour. Warped makes me super nervous though, because somehow I'm going to have to shower and wash my hair and shit and live at my aunt's house and I've never been there and it freaks me out more than a little.

I felt like complete shit yesterday and today I feel like complete shit with a headache. I got a lot of sleep last night, but it wasn't all good sleep. I'll admit it, it feels like anxiety is eating me alive. Guh.

So, realizing that I lost the five-subject black notebook that I had first semester, I have, as of today, begun replotting my oh-eight NaNoWriMo novel. I had like, almost everything worked decently out in the other notebook, so now I just have to try to remember high points and make everything else better.

And, other than Hell's Kitchen, I think I'm sunk for good TV until mid-June. Lame.

i read your letter, the one you left when you broke into my house.

It was a fuckedup nite for season finales, I swear.
To Bones: Fuck you for making my cute little young Zachykid a murderer and the member of a secret society led by a serial killer. That is just so fuckedup. It should've been Sweets, I thought it was Sweets.
To One Tree Hill: Fuck you for not telling me who recieved that phonecall, and eww, fuck you for letting Skillz continue to sleep with Nathan's mom. Not cool, not cool at all. Also, I dug the mohawk, shaving it, also not cool.
To House: Ohshit. I cried at the end. I did not know that i was going to have to watch a man hold his dying love in his arms and then flip the switches, while he blames his best friend who was also close to death or brain damage. Way emotion-heavy. Very brutal. Very killing and stabbing.

God, that got the adrenaline up.

A-E-I-O-must be an addiction.

I got three fabulous hours of Surivor tonite, two for the finale, one for the reunion. I'm pissed at TAI... fans everywhere because I really thought we could unite and get Jason the 100k of mu-lah that he so obviously deserves. But, no, you pathetic asses couldn't even get him in the top fucking three. Parvati won, and I could actually be more upset about that than I am. It sucks that it's over, it was a fun-ass ride. Next season in Gabon? Maybe.

Caught up once again with "This Deliberate Life". Paul is good in bed, huh? Okay. Weirdo. You have no idea how much it hurts to say this, but I'm having to stop myself from re-evaluating longtime loyalties and love. I don't think I'd survive the questioning though.

Oh, and as of yesterday... I'M GOING TO WARPED TOUR. IN DETROIT. IN JULY. HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THAT?! Alex is going too, and I'm hoping that'll work out too. I'm stoked.

Charlotte Sometimes has won my heart. This week, I'll try The Cab.

i'm AWAKE andivebeen LOSINGsleep, ivebeen Fighting allmy DEMONS, ivebeen gettingWEAK.

"Waves and the Both of Us" by Charlotte Sometimes is an amazing album. After a few more listens, I may have to try putting it on a list. "AEIOU" and "Losing Sleep" are songs that the whole world should be required to listen to.

Sometime this week I have to go out and have my fingers crossed that I can get my hands on the Cobra Starship/May issue of AP. Even if I have to go to Richmond, I must get it. Like, it's non-negotiable.

Also, fingers crossed that maybe soon I can preorder HeyChris's "Notes From the Deep End", because I know that there's almost no chance for me to see him on his upcoming summer tour. I have one more hour of Eliza Cuts/Dave Cronin radio show to listen to before I'm back to being caught up.

Speaking of Eliza Cuts, I read 'Commit Me Already'. It hurt a lot to read. I don't know how I'm going to look at and listen to some certain heroes of mine in the same light. It's just a very complicated situation, and there's a lot to think about. I think it'll all be alright, though.

Speaking of albums, no really, I was a minute ago, I downloaded (oh, throw the rocks) The Cab's debut album "Whisper War" and I'm waiting for the time to give them a chance. Mind: open.

Survivor this week was devasting. No more dudes. No more Erik Icecream, who was my second love on this season. I think the finale/reunion show thing is tomorrow, but it could be next Sunday, oh well, I shall be prepared either way. I'm anxious. But I already said it, I'm pulling for Amanda now, even if she's why Erik's gone.

i can LOVE you much Better.

we're the believers and the makers,
the movers and the shakers.

with love from a burning hot laptop at 11.30pm,
deadxtired.

we'll learn about PHILOSOPHY by drawing on our arms.

Listening to Backseat Goodbye's debut full-length, "Dressed Up Like Dreams", and if I had ever forgotten, this would make me remember why I fell so in love with this kid. But that's one thing I'm almost sure that I'll never forget.
As of now, I'm six tracks in.

Still have two hours worth of podcasts to listen to before I'm completely caught up with "This Deliberate Life". Which so sounds like the name of a weirdo soap opera. Tella Novella for the Mexican kid.

I think after this album, I'm going to start going through and listening to old Fall Out Boy songs. Just to see if I've outgrown them yet. Which I didn't even start considering as even a possibility until this past week. I think you could call this a crisis of faith.
Track seven on "Dressed Up Like Dreams" is "Technicolor Eyes", which is one of my alltime favorite BG songs.

This is an "all smiles and sunshine" type of album, but not obnoxiously, optimistically. And it's just as beautifully crafted and seamless as I always dreamed it would be. I love that I chose to buy this album. But it wasn't really a choice, because I couldn't live with myself if I didn't support this kid.
Track eight is "Hey", and "I'll be the bright side of your bad day, I'll be the bright side of your bad night, I'll be the bright side of your bad day, if you'll be mine."
Switched to track nine now.

"if my life had a soundtrack it would be acoustic with songs about the way i laugh and my ability to love" - "Calico Kitten"
Umm, Chad, kid, I think you got your wish on that one.
"I had a good day. Since I didn't die or have to wait. In any really long lines at the store." - 'Calico Kitten'
I think that could be my favorite song on this album.

This is good for me.
Track twelve as good as the first as perfect as every other.
Five or so tracks left, and this is golden.

i am NOT your Concern.

I'm scatterbrained like someone put a gun to my head.
My moods are better suited for schoolyards and child's play. They swing in under an hour's time.
I think my fuse gets shorter with every cut. If you know what I mean.

The AP Tour was this past Saturday, and it was an incredible night that I'll never forget. The new best day of my life. Big things went down. No more story telling.

Today I poured seven pounds of sugar in the form of suckers, Sweetarts, sour Skittles, and Coke Zero down my throat. I think I have now reached my destination : crash. It's going to be a shaky letdown.

"Goodbye Blues" is an amazing album when you give it a second chance. I think it's going to help me a lot.

The video for "That Green Gentleman" premiered today, and it's heartbreakingly beautiful minus the shameless and gross moment-ruining, scene-destroying product placement.

I'm looking forward to fucking living out a summer that would provoke envy from October Fall.

P.S. who believes that i've been in a month-long "relationship"? not me.

you make me want to say "you're bitchin'"

Sitting in a park for no reason sharing cuts and scars with Sean.
He made me climb a trash can to reach a roof. We tipped it and almost broke our backs. I landed on him. Someone almost called 911. My temple is still throbbing. I won't go to sleep until I know it's not a concusion.


Got my hair done at 10:30. Just like Jack Barakat's. Well, it will be 'just' like when I try straightening it on Monday. I like that Sean was the first person to see it. He didn't really have an opinion on it, but I don't think he hated it. I can't figure out why I care.

"Eryn Smith" by The Matches is my new favorite song.
Need to start getting my shit together for the AP Tour. Just a week away.

compulsively charging cds to my account.

Listening to The Matches.
Sixteen days until the AP Tour.
Four days since I've last cut.
Years since I've felt right.
I don't want to have my high school schedule signed and approved as it is, I want to just skate through and not stress myself out to weekly suicide attempts. I could just impress them and blow straight outta there, if it weren't a rural little shithole.
Work that I can't even begin to do. I'm dying here.

Don't really know how to accurately describe the state I'm in right now. Probably Iowa.
"Dying Is Your Latest Fashion" is now on my alltime top twenty-five cd-list.
Epitaph shit ought be here soon.

keep dreaming upside down.

That's what my life feels like. Awkwardly amazing conversations, deepeyes, hugs, and arms around shoulders. This doesn't seem like my life at all, and it doesn't feel comfortable, but I think I could get used to it.
Brokedown today, for no real reason other than the future, flourescent lights, and too much. Just too much.
Stress and love, and closer to some people than I thought I ever would be. Wait, social interaction? What the fuck is happening here?

Still have to listen to my new copy of "Dying Is Your Latest Fashion".
Still waiting for my new glasses. Any fucking day now.
Now I'm waiting for my hair appointment on the nineteenth.
Waiting.

Tonight I finally get a new episode of Survivor. Thank god. I can live now.

and i'll never forget anything that happened today.

(Re)discovering October Fall. Love. Brilliant album. Sometime I hope they can put out one more. Or at least play a couple shows.
I believe it's down to twenty-eight days between me and the AP Tour.
Still waiting on my lovely red glasses. Pysched, because they are genuinely crazy.
Up to 'June 1987' in The Heroin Diaries. Wow. Insanely insightful.
"Goodbye Blues" is in fact the best album I've heard this year so far.
Still waiting maybe a week from now to ask for "Pretty. Odd." But, it really hurts not having it.
Let's point and laugh at HeyChris's new radio show that starts next month.
Hoping to stop sleeping in and start living a little more.

I'm not sure what to make of the person who's living my life right now.

situations are irrelevant now.

My red glasses ordered. Any time in the next week.
I own my own copy of the Heroin Diaries now. At least caught up to where I was the first time in a full day of rereading.

I downloaded The Hush Sound's new album "Goodbye Blues". I'm waiting for the best time to digest it.
I have just enough faith in those kids that it'll be okay, at least.
Obviously "Pretty. Odd." was released today, but I know I can't even think about getting it for at least a week or two. I've financially strained my family enough for this month.

i sought out to be the greatest.

Another five-or-so hours of my life gone to the complete overhaul of my livejournal.
New layout. New profile. New userpics. New other shit too, I'm sure, I just can't remember it, probably.
One more half-hour of the Rock Church. One more half hour of banners and icons.
Drawing has been coming a lot easier than usual.

'A Band In Hope' and 'Goodbye Blues' were released this week.
I'll download 'Goodbye Blues' when I get the chance. And 'A Band In Hope' too.
I'll be buying 'Pretty. Odd.' the day it comes out, hopefully.
Then in April I'll finally buy a copy of 'Do You Feel' before I do feel guilty seeing TRS without owning a CD.

i knew it was not just for this selfish pleasure of my own.

In the past two days, I have ingested a few seconds more than five hours and thirty-five minutes of five sermons from the Rock Church.
And I iconed the whole time again, because I'm a geek like that.
But they turn out really good when I'm actually dead-focused on something else.
Huh. That makes little to no sense. Cool.

The past two weeks Francs and I have missed our weekly Wednesdayphonetalks. Not cool.

Under fifty days until the AP tour next month.
Life is beautiful.

you've got so much love in you. you look like the songs that i've heard my whole life coming true.

I just found out that my neighbor, who's in his eighties and like a grandfather to me, is dying of cancer.
My dad just said threetosix months.
I cried a little now, and I'll be an absolute mess then.
I hope I'll get to see him before then.
If my dad goes next door, maybe I can tag along once.
If I don't, I'll feel so damn guilty.
Because he really is like a grandfather to me, since I never had one of those for long.

a rain is falling down on the SIDEWALK.

Yesterday I also got around to ordering 'Dying Is Your Latest Fashion' CD by Escape the Fate, as well the Farewell stickers, both from the Epitaph street team.
Manipulating it is like heaven.
Early April it should all get to me.
Hopefully if they put the new Matches CD up on there, I'll be able to get the points quick enough to get it pre-AP tour. IF.

Listening to a downloaded version of the We The Kings s/t.
Loving it so far.

i'm decom-decomposing. i BLOW my BRAINS out through my nose.

That's right, I got The Matches' CD 'Decomposer' from the Epitaph street team.
And today I ordered the Farewell CD also from the street team.
I am now completely pysched up to see The Matches on the AP tour.
I'm just completely pysched in general to be able to go to the AP tour.

Dude, it's still so weird that I started making graphics and that they actually look good.
Maybe I'll make a post on LiveJournal? =/
Eh, maybe not.

Just a few more weeks until motherfucking Pretty. Odd.

like you were a CHAMPION in their eyes.

In the past twenty-four hours, possibly actually twenty-three or -two, I've listened to more than 8 hours worth of sermons from The Rock Church.
That's two series. One of five, the other of four segments.
I wouldn't be stopping now if the earphones weren't killing my head and my mp3 player's battery wasn't dying.
But I'm not really feeling pain. I want to keep listening.
I don't know what's going on, but I'm buying into these words.

Damnit, I need to finish the motherfucking Heroin Diaries, I'm completely addicted, and I don't want to wait and forget and need to reread.

i was lost, was i found? save me.

Today I've listened to almost four hours of five sermons from The Rock Church.
I've been riveted, I've laughed, and I've agreed.
I think I'm giving in. If this is love, I want it.

I finally listened to the whole Puppet Strings album by The High Court, in-fucking-credible.

And today for some reason, I went on a graphic-making tangent, and it actually turned out pretty good.
I'm happy with today, today was good.

OPEN your eyes and SEE that Life Is Beautiful.

I'm two days, two introductions, and five chapters into Nikki Sixx's The Heroine Diaries.
And already are they changing my life.
Things are darker. Things are brighter.
It's like a drug in itself, and the wordplay is captivating and horrifying.
You can't turn away. I don't want to.

I downloaded the album. I'm borrowing the book.
The second I have fifty bucks, I'll buy them both.

Am I wishing too much for a list? Chances are.

we can HANG and Black (out) together.

I'm ready to do that starting-fresh thing again.
It's terrifying, but oh well.

I'm into: music.
Specifically, My Chemical Romance; Fall Out Boy; virtually all bands signed to Fueled By Ramen; The Rocket Summer; Backseat Goodbye; All Time Low; etc.
I'll be attending the Alternative Press tour in April.

I'm a wreck, as a person. I have problems.
But I'm dealing the best I can. (I think.)

If you come across here, and you think we'd mesh, hit me up.